One day, after a hearty rampage, while Wolfhook was returning to his humble abode (Wolfhook’s Lair™), he said to himself (out loud), ‘Maybe it’s time I settled down.’

That’s unexpected, he thought.  But as he reflected, crouching into the low, triangular hovel he called home (Wolfhook’s Lair™), maybe there was something to it.  After all, he’d been rampaging nonstop for as long as he could remember.  And he couldn’t deny it… it got lonely sometimes…  

He put some hot dogs on to boil, hooked open a few cans of beans and brains.

‘Sure,’  he said to himself (again out loud), ‘screams and carnage are excellent company, but can they keep me warm at night?’

This one… this one… now, this was the thought to undo all thought.

But thought continued:  It’s true.  I can’t deny it.

‘I’m lonely,’ he vocalized to himself.

And he knew there was no one in the lair to hear him.

With a swift, angry swipe of his hook, he launched the beans and brains and dogs against the wall (of Wolfhook’s Lair™).

‘By darn, why can’t I have my dog and eat it too?’ he said to himself (using his voice).  ‘Why couldn’t I find a nice lady-type, settle down, and rampage now and then on the weekends?  Golly, we could even raise a couple o’ pups of our own.  And someday, they’ll come rampaging too.’

Wolfhook dreamed of the day, the little ones’ first tracheal severing, first evisceration…  Prescient paternal pride beamed in his eyes.

‘Good Sobotsky’s ghost, I’ll do it!’ (This one he said out loud and inside.)

But wait, a small voice told him (though he wasn’t sure who could be speaking to him inside his mind), what species?

Wolfhook knew this voice spoke reason, wherever it came from.  What species?  All the she-wolves wanted him, no one denied it, but they always came off so needy.  And no one wants that.

Humans?

CURSED BE THE THOUGHT!  Of course they were great for slaughtering, sometimes good for eating (when properly cleansed of all their… undesirable proteins), but as a lifelong partner in love and rampage?

Wolfhook retched at the idea.  And in so doing, saw the beans and brains and dogs dripping down the wall.  Which reminded him that he was still, in fact, hungry.  So he went over to the wall and started licking it.

Snakes?  Too slithery.

Birds?  Too birdy.

One thing was sure, whatever she was, she must love hot dogs.  Non-negotiable.  

As Wolfhook finished licking up the wall, he prided himself on how well he understood his own emotional needs, and set his mind to the task.

This is what he concluded.  He said it to himself (out loud).

‘You know where there are lots of hot dogs?  Hot dog stands.  You know where there are lots of animals?  Zoos.  You know where there would be lots of hot dogs and animals?  ZOOS WITH HOT DOG STANDS IN THEM.’

Genius, said the unknown voice within.

‘Thank you,’ said Wolfhook to the voice (and himself), and he cozied himself in, pulled his Star Trek: Voyager sheets up to his snout, and fancied himself to sleep with thoughts of this brave new life he was undertaking.

The last thought he had before he fell asleep was this: now if it was Captain Janeway… I could go to that final frontier.

And with that, this story is…

…TO BE CONTINUED