My name is Dan McRae. I’m a private eye and have been studying the Wolfhook case for a couple of years now. It seemed to me that it was all just a big hoax: the mauling, the torture, and the people getting eaten. Monkey business, I said! Well, one night I went to this totally sweet party at my friend Adam’s house. There were lots of chicks there and enough booze to make for a good time. We were all having a fun time dancing and making fools of ourselves, until it started storming outside. The music went up louder to drown out the sound of raindrops.

Around 11:00 p.m. the power went out on our half of the city. It was black as pitch. Everybody kind of started to freak out and running around, crashing in to each other. It was chaos. We heard the door creaking, and a clicking noise as if something were scampering across the floor. What in tarnation was that? I thought to myself. I busted out a fat cig and started smoking it. I think better when I have a cig in my mouth. Something that went click, click and came into dark houses where people were running around screaming. Hmm…. The whole room slowly became silent, as everybody strained to hear where the clicking noise was traveling. I got my gun out, just in case. Just then, it struck me. The idea that maybe, just maybe the actual Wolfhook was in this very room. Was it actually true? Did he exist? If Wolfhook was in the room, we were all goners, that’s for sure.

Oh no, I thought. I didn’t have any diamond bullets. The clicking was coming closer to me, I began to panic and start sweating a panic sweat. I was in a panic room. We were all panicking on the inside though. When the thing got so close I could feel its sweet breath on my face, I raised my gun and prepared to fire. Then, there was another sound of someone striking a match. A small flicker of light filtered its way through the room. There was a large snout staring me right in the face. It was Wolfhook. Everyone else saw it too. Someone shrieked, I fired my gun at Wolfhook. It hit him square in the forehead and bounced off. I tried to make a run for it, but Wolfhook was way ahead of me. He had both my ankles in hooks. I tripped.

“Hotdogs.” Wolfhook said, and started nibbling on my leg. Intense pain coursed throughout my entire body. To my luck, there was a bowl of hotdogs on the coffee table by my head. I grabbed the bowl, and dumped what must have been one thousand hotdogs on Wolfhook. Just as I suspected, the creature turned for the hotdogs. “Hotdog dohotgohotdoghothothotdogdog!” Wolfhook was going crazy over the hotdogs. I dragged myself away from the scene the best I could with one of my legs nearly torn off. But then I got a good idea. I busted out my cell phone and speed dialed HQ.

“HQ this is Falcon One, we have a situation.” I blurted out.

“Copy that, Falcon One, this is HQ, Ten-Four, over and out.” The voice came back. I knew that those hotdogs wouldn’t last long, so I got the mustard and squirted a trail over to the bathtub in the bathroom. Wolfhook fell for it. He was now in the bathroom. Unfortunately, I failed to notice the leak in the mustard bottle, and didn’t know that it had sprayed all over my pants. Wolfhook came after me. He was gnawing at my buttocks and both my legs, everywhere the mustard was, it was horrifying. I bit the cap off of the mustard bottle and threw it like a grenade. It splashed all over the wall. Wolfhook turned for the mighty, miraculous, mustard mess. I dragged myself out into the hallway and eventually outside.

I was thankful that I survived, but life really sucks when you don’t have a lower half. I have an artificial reproductive organ, and two peg legs. I had to have one of my eyes removed, because when Wolfhook took me down, my cig fell into my eye and burned it out, so now I just have a patch. Wolfhook also gnawed off my hand because of the hotdog juice that was on it. So, I got a hook in its place as an official vow that I would hunt down Wolfhook until I killed that mutated wolf if it was the laaaast thing I did.